Abbey's Road: Cooking Up Answers On 'Chopped'

Dear "shredded" chefs,

Hello, this is a monastery.

We haven't met yet, and trust me when I say that I have no intention of being on your show. But I must apologize because your show was born the same year as my teenage daughter, and it took me a long time to realize that there are people in the world who want sardines, kumquats and a jar of candy. A dish that looks like it's on the menu of a five-star restaurant.

In my excuse, I have to say that I don't like cooking shows because they leave me depressed and hungry. Sometimes I spoil the grilled cheese. These guys are making ricotta gnocchi like a normal Tuesday. I realize it's supposed to be an inspiration, but it actually leads me to the pantry, staring at a half-empty box of stale Cheez-Its and knowing they won't fill me up because they're not ricotta gnocchi. Then he ate them anyway.

As I write this, there are five of us in a hotel room and Chopped is the only show my family can agree with. So here we are.

I have some questions for hackers and I hope you find time to answer them because I want to know your secrets. Then my family will love me more and won't be upset when I say before dinner: "Well, I wanted to make your favorite dish, but I ran out of basic ingredients, so I tried..."

I don't do hobbies here, chefs.

First, what can you tell me about your magical food? It seems to have everything you need in neat rows, and it seems like it will (probably) never expire.

Who is responsible for collecting the food and will work with me if I encourage it with words of encouragement and an unlimited supply of common grain? I feel like butter and fresh produce magically pops into my fridge and is lined up with labels, so maybe I'll be more motivated to try something new. But I realized that celery and whipped cream didn't make a meal my family would enjoy. Maybe it's just me.

Second, how do you create such amazing works of culinary art in such a short time, and do you think if you asked the six year old in the next room, the quality of your work would change for the better or better? worse? ? How do you write something every few minutes? (That's not a complaint, just curious.) I'd love to know your efficiency secrets for updating my kitchen without spending a fortune, please and thank you.

Third, in real life they sometimes say, "Order a ball and a pizza." You should try it once, it's a real health saver.

After all, what is a pig?

I want to thank you in advance for answering these questions and maybe dropping in to show me how to turn this 2017 box of beef jerky, a bag of frozen peas, and half a bottle of capers into a dish that's better for crowd-pleasing. in 30 minutes or less.

honestly

the monastery

note: during the commercial break, there was an ad for a show called America's Worst Cooks. It had a guy trying to make sausage lasagna and donuts, and it wasn't until the middle of that 30 second clip that I felt like I found my people.

I think I can add this show to my waiting list. My self-esteem would go up a lot, and then my stale Cheez-Its would be a real treat.

Abby Roy is a mother of three girls, and she makes every day an adventure. He writes for his safety. You can probably be reached at amroy@nncogannett.com, but responses are sorted by nights and weekends.

This article originally appeared in the Newark Advocate; Abby writes a letter to the hacked chefs to learn their secrets.